When you’re in a happy, thriving relationship, you usually don’t need a checklist to tell you that everything’s going great. You know it is by the way you feel, which, aside from the inevitable bumps now and then, is pretty darn good and uplifted.
But it can be harder to see the red flags of a relationship that might not be so good for you. Relationships that leave you feeling exhausted, unsupported, and just plain bad about yourself and life can be described as toxic—and while a toxic relationship doesn’t always mean having a horrible person for a partner, there’s something in the dynamic that’s not healthy, and it’s in both of your best interests that you learn to recognize the signs.
While this post focuses mainly on romantic relationships, you might also recognize these signs in your relationships with a parent, friend, or other relative, which is why it’s important that you know how to identify them and handle them appropriately.
What Are Signs of a Toxic Relationship?
Below are 8 signs that your relationship may be toxic. Note that these don’t necessarily constitute a death sentence for your relationship, but they can help you identify problems that aren’t good for either of you in the long-run and should be addressed immediately.
1. Time with your partner leaves you feeling drained.
Every relationship is bound to hit some rough patches once in a while, but in general, spending time with that person should leave you feeling content and recharged, even if all you’re doing is watching TV together. (Although if you’ve spent the last year in lockdown together, you’d be forgiven for feeling that way a little less often!)
If you find that spending time with your partner consistently leaves you feeling emotionally drained, there’s a good chance that there is something toxic about your relationship.
Maybe it’s that they’re always negative, or constantly asking more of you. Whatever the issue, you’re likely giving more than what you’re getting in terms of emotional currency, and if you don’t speak up or take care of yourself, you’ll start feeling some heavy resentment.
Similarly, if you find yourself dreading spending time with that person, or doing something like traveling with them, that could likely be another red flag.
What to Do: If you find yourself having feeling drained or dreading someone’s company, try journaling or talking to a friend. This could help you better sort out your own emotions and maybe determine other important factors.
2. One or both of you always keep score.
Do you or your partner constantly remind each other of past mistakes, especially as leverage for a current argument or situation?
It’s not like you can never again talk about a past hurt that was particularly significant, but if you’re reminded on a regular basis of that less-than-gracious text you sent at 3:23 a.m. on May 27, 2018, that’s an issue.
Bringing up stuff like that is unlikely to be helpful or productive in the present, and what’s more, your partner keeping score will push you to do the same (or vice versa, if you started it), until you’re both in a never-ending cycle of pettiness with your little petty notebooks in hand, taking note of your partner’s every misstep.
You’ll become obsessed with who has more points in the “screwed-up” column, and always be looking for ways to add to your partner’s score, rather than enjoying each other’s company or looking for ways to grow and move forward.
What to Do: Try to be mindful of your thoughts and conversations to see if either you or the other person have a habit of “keeping score.”
3. Communication is mostly passive-aggressive.
Rather than saying something outright, your partner’s communication is passive-aggressive, and they try to make you guess what’s bothering them.
If you or your partner are guilty of this, it’s likely a sign that you’re not comfortable communicating openly with each other (or you know deep down that whatever grievance you have is petty or unjustified, so you avoid saying it outright).
If you feel strongly about something, give yourself some time to cool down, then engage in a calm, mature, open discussion with your partner. For more tips on how to talk to your partner in a healthy, loving way, check out our post on how to communicate better.
What to Do: Call a time-out before losing your temper or when you feel you’re about to say something you might regret. If you feel the other person is about to do this, ask them to take a break to cool down.
4. You’ve lost other relationships and interests.
Have you lost connections with friends or stopped a favorite hobby since the start of this relationship?
It could be coincidental timing, and you really had your reasons for letting go of those people or pastimes. But if your life has become 100% about your partner and you’ve lost touch with people or things you used to care about, it’s possible that the relationship has become too consuming, whether you realize it or not.
Even if everything feels hunky dory in your relationship right now, it’s still important that you live a well-rounded life.
Don’t flake on your friends or give up on your passions, because when bumps in the road do inevitably arise, you’ll need someone to talk to.
What to Do: Take a look back at how your life has changed over the last year, or since your relationship began. Of course some changes are normal, but if you’re no longer doing the things you still care about, ask yourself why.
5. Dishonesty is rampant.
Do you have a habit of telling little white lies, or worse, keeping some rather big secrets from your partner? Has your partner often lied about spending, or who they’re spending time with?
No one needs to know every little detail of their partner’s entire life, but even small lies tend to get worse over time.
Without honesty, relationships can’t grow. It’s also a waste of both you and your partner’s time, since lying is like putting up a façade, and neither of you really knows who they’re with anymore. If you’re not right for each other, why lie just to delay the inevitable?
Be (tactfully) honest about whatever you’re trying to hide. They’ll either accept it and try to find a way for you to move on together, or decide that they can’t—in which case you’ll both be better off the sooner this is realized.
What to Do: Examine your relationship and ask yourself whether you or your partner frequently tell lies, even small ones.
6. There’s a lack of trust.
Dishonesty naturally leads to mistrust, but so can a lot of other things—you don’t have to be a liar for your partner to have a suspicious mind.
It’s possible that they were hurt in the past and now have a hard time trusting others. This can manifest as jealousy or controlling behavior.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re not trusted when you know you’ve done nothing wrong. The first step is to have empathy for your partner; they probably don’t want to be that way.
They may need professional help. Whatever you do, do not continue to indulge their suspicions or desire for control. Set boundaries and stick up for yourself, and don’t feel bad if you can’t “fix” them.
If you’re the one with trust issues, strongly consider professional help. It’s an issue that is likely to reoccur in every relationship, not just this one.
What to Do: If you feel there’s a lack of trust between you and the other person, have an honest discussion with them and discuss the possible roots of this distrust. See if there’s anything you can agree on to improve the situation.
7. You or your partner are codependent.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should be there for each other to lean on and find support when times get tough.
But sometimes one partner can be too dependent on the other. As this article explains, codependent individuals rely so much on their partners (often emotionally or psychologically) that the dynamic becomes toxic.
In many cases, codependent people will stay in bad (even abusive) relationships because they need reassurance, validation, or other unmet emotional needs. Because they feel dependent, they’re less likely to voice their true feelings for fear of upsetting or pushing away their partner.
Whether you’re the codependent or the one they’re reliant on, codependency is almost always toxic for a relationship. It might not be anyone’s fault, but it’s worth seeking help to work out those issues if you want the relationship to have a healthy future.
What to Do: Examine some of your biggest fears and insecurities regarding the relationship, and ask the other person about theirs. Do these fears manifest themselves in perhaps unhealthy ways?
8. One of you is always the victim.
No matter how much you may need support right now, your partner is always ready to one-up your woes.
However bad it is for you, it’s always worse for them, maybe even to the point that you’re apologizing for being sick, or for other problems you’re facing.
They always need to be the center of attention and have little to offer you in way of support. If this sounds like your partner (or you), the relationship is likely toxic. Love is a two-way street, but if one of you is always trying to out-grievance the other, one of you will always be drained.
What to Do: If you find yourself constantly complaining, try to be considerate of how the other person feels and check in with them more often. If the other person is always the victim, have an honest conversation about how that makes you feel.
How to Move Forward
As we’ve alluded to in this post, toxicity is not always synonymous with abuse, and being in a toxic relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that the other person is bad—there’s just something about the dynamic that keeps one or both of you down, rather than being able to grow together in healthy, happy way.
That said, you should know that fixing a toxic relationship is not easy. But if you’re both willing to roll up your sleeves and work on the relationship, there are steps you can take to build a healthy, loving bond. Instead of trying to change the other person, focus on changing yourself and what you can do to improve the situation, if you truly believe it’s worth investing in.
Note: If you do think your relationship is abusive, it’s best that you get out ASAP. Read more about the signs of an abusive relationship, and if you’re facing domestic abuse, find safe, immediate support here.
Practice healthy, open communication.
Before you waste time on something that only one of you is invested in, establish clear and open communication with your partner. Tell them how you feel, listen to their concerns, and ask yourselves the following questions:
- Is it salvageable? Do you honestly feel you can leave the past behind and work on your future, or will you harbor resentment? Do you both really want to stay in this relationship? What does the future look like to each of you? These are difficult questions to face, but they’re important for laying groundwork so you at least know if what’s broken can be fixed. This won’t be possible if both hearts aren’t in it.
- Are you both willing to invest and accept responsibility? Even if you’re not the “toxic” element in this relationship, you’ll still need to invest time, energy, and patience to mend the partnership. Are you willing to do that? Or is your gut telling you to cut your losses and move on? There’s no wrong answer; it’s just important that you look introspectively and tell each other honestly how you feel about the future of your relationship.
Be compassionate.
It takes a lot to admit fault and accept that you need to change. If your partner indicates a willingness and commitment to bettering themself, give them a fair shot.
Bad habits and negative behaviors won’t be broken overnight. Acknowledge positive changes, and give gentle reminders and encouragement when certain issues resurface.
Use “I” statements, rather than “you,” so you can communicate how you’re feeling without blaming them and putting them on the defensive. For example, you might say, “I feel that you’ve stopped listening to me and how I feel again” rather than “See?! I told you you never listen to me!”
Consider professional help.
If you’re both seriously invested in improving your relationship, consider enrolling professional help. Having a neutral expert who can mediate the situation can help both of you to feel like equals, rather than one of you playing referee while the other is always in the dog house.
Lots of problems are also beyond our knowledge and capabilities, so trusting in someone who’s studied these issues can shed new light on your struggles for both of you, and help you to feel more compassionate toward each other.
Working with a professional can also help you to see whether the relationship is worth mending, or if you’re better off apart.
Breaking Toxic Cycles
Relationships aren’t the only places you can find toxicity. You might find yourself in a toxic work environment, or in need of some serious boundaries at home.
Whatever you’re facing, one of the first and most important steps is knowing how to communicate your needs, so be sure to check out our post on how to communicate effectively.
Did you find this post helpful? Let us know in the comments below!
If you enjoyed this post, then you might also like:
- Trust in Relationships: How to Build Trust At Home, At Work, and with Yourself
- 12 Best Relationship Books: Secrets to Success for Couples and Singles
- Why Self-Awareness Is Important: Benefits, Tips, and Examples
- How to Communicate Effectively: 9 Tips for Clearer Exchanges and Fewer Misunderstandings
As a blog writer for TCK Publishing, Kaelyn loves crafting fun and helpful content for writers, readers, and creative minds alike. She has a degree in International Affairs with a minor in Italian Studies, but her true passion has always been writing. Working remotely allows her to do even more of the things she loves, like traveling, cooking, and spending time with her family.
