Expressing what you want and need can be hard, whether you’re asking for a raise or simply telling someone how their actions make you feel.

Yet, others seem to get what they need with grace and ease, exuding a smooth confidence that the rest of us can only envy… or so we think.

Assertiveness is actually a skill that can be learned by even the most introverted among us, and that’s what you’ll have to do if you want to improve communication within your relationships and earn respect from others.

Assertiveness Definition

It’s important to understand the difference between assertiveness and aggression. Exercising assertiveness does not mean bulldozing over other people, but rather demonstrating a healthy confidence to stand up for yourself while respecting the rights of others.

This means being able to state your needs and ask for what you want. This calm and confident communication style is the middle ground between aggression and passiveness.

How to Be Assertive (Without Being Rude)

These 9 steps will help you practice being more assertive, without having to worry about coming across as rude or aggressive.

1. Know what you want.

In order to be assertive, you need to know what you want or need. That sounds pretty easy, but if you’re someone who struggles with being assertive, you might also struggle with being decisive.

The good news is that deep down, you probably already have the answer, but you’re worried about what others will think or say, so you overthink every little detail. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you figure out what it is you really want.

Get clear on what you want or need, and find ways to articulate that. Remember that being assertive isn’t synonymous with being bossy or selfish, so you need to practice communicating your wants and needs while still having empathy for others. (But if you’re reading this post, I’m guessing the problem is that you too often put the needs of others above your own.)

2. Start small.

For those of us who struggle to speak with confidence and conviction, starting to be assertive can be a real challenge. It’s a transformation that probably won’t be completed overnight, and you may find it’s best to start with baby steps.

This means doing the “normal” things that others with more confidence seem to do with envious ease. For example, if you find that something doesn’t look quite right on your receipt after exiting a store, go back in and ask for clarification.

You might be afraid to question the cashier, but there’s a very real chance that they made an honest mistake—one you shouldn’t let your fear of being assertive force you to pay the price for!

Use these small, everyday moments as opportunities to practice putting yourself first for a change.

3. Practice using “I” statements.

Use “I” statements—such as “I want,” I need,” or “I feel”—to practice being assertive without coming across as rude or hostile.f

These statements, as opposed to “You always…” or “You never…” allow you to express yourself without blaming or alienating other people.

Also, using “you” statements have a greater chance of triggering people, which can cause them to shut down the conversation. Using “I” statements instead can increase the chances of the conversation going in your favor.

4. Speak simply and directly.

When it comes to being assertive, less is usually more. That’s not always easy, since many of us tend to cloak our main point in unnecessarily long explanations (or worse, we end up apologizing for what we’re asking for, and might even throw in a “never mind” once we’ve talked ourselves out of it!).

Stop beating around the bush and talking in vague metaphors. Be simple and direct, so you don’t leave room for misinterpretation. (Many of us introverts are guilty of such self-sabotage, and the most frustrating part is that we have no one to blame but ourselves when we fail to get what we need, or end up doing something we don’t want to.)

5. Set boundaries.

For some of us, the struggle to be assertive means we have a hard time asking for what we want. For others, it’s a challenge just to say “no” to what we don’t want.

Learning how to say no in a polite but firm way will help you to save time and energy, so you can say “yes” to what’s really important to you.

Saying no will also help you to set boundaries and make sure they’re respected. Setting clear boundaries will also help you to decide case by case whether you need to say “yes” or “no,” so you don’t have to worry about becoming a push-over or a bully.

6. Escalate when necessary.

If your requests are being ignored or your words just aren’t being taken seriously the first few times, it might be appropriate to kick things up a notch.

This means you may have to be more firm, or issue a polite warning about what will happen if they continue to disrespect your boundaries, show up late to work, etc. Just make sure that the punishment fits the crime and that you don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

For example, if a particular team member is consistently failing to pull their weight at work, you might say something like: “Tim, this is the third time this week you’ve showed up late and failed to bring what you promised for the project. If this happens again, I’m going to have to notify our supervisor.”

If your needs still aren’t being met, don’t be afraid to ask for help from your boss, a family member, or whoever might be relevant in your situation.

7. Stay calm.

Part of being direct and assertive means keeping your cool. People who scream or speak frantically might have a momentary effect on the person they’re speaking to, but in the long run they aren’t respected or taken very seriously.

No matter what happens, remind yourself to breathe, make eye contact, and stay mindful of your body language.

This will help the other person to remain calm, while ensuring that you maintain your composure and say exactly what you intended in the way you intended. (You’ll also save yourself from having to apologize for saying something you regret.)

8. Be open to feedback.

As you get more comfortable being assertive, make sure you’re also comfortable with receiving constructive feedback. Don’t shut down or respond emotionally.

If you get criticism that you think you don’t deserve, you should be prepared to say so, but without growing defensive or angry. Make an effort to stay calm and composed (see #7 above), and discuss the facts without dragging personal issues into the conversation.

9. Take your time.

Sometimes, you might feel pressured into providing a response right away. If you struggle with assertiveness, your first instinct might be to simply give the most agreeable answer to avoid any conflict—only to beat yourself up with frustration five minutes later.

If you’re feeling pressured to make a hasty decision, request more time to think. This will allow you to consider what you actually want, and construct a response that’s respectful and well-worded.

Why Can’t You Be Assertive?

There are many possible reasons why a person might struggle with being assertive. The important thing is that you recognize the issue and break the cycle, because those who struggle to stand up for themselves often suffer a loss of confidence and self-esteem as a result, which leads them to be even less assertive in the future.

Common reasons why people might struggle with assertiveness include:

• Low Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence: Often, those with low self-esteem and self-confidence interact with others in a passive way because they don’t recognize their self-worth.

• Past Experiences or Bad Role Models: Sometimes past experiences can turn into learned behaviors that get passed on from parents or other role models. These habits and behaviors can be very difficult to unlearn, so help from a counselor or therapist might be needed.

• Perceived Roles: Your perceived role in your family, job, or society in general might lead you to adopt passive behaviors. For example, women are stereotypically seen as more passive in many cultures, as are people with low-status job roles.

• Anxiety: People who suffer from stress and anxiety often resort to passive behaviors, because their anxiety of what others think, or the thought of speaking up, can intimidate them.

Practice Assertiveness

If you want to practice being more assertive, start with the small, everyday opportunities that arise. If something doesn’t sit right with you, or you feel you need to speak up, stand up for yourself calmly and confidently.

For more tips for clearer exchanges, check out our posts on how to communicate effectively and how to be a better listener.

Did you find this post helpful? Let us know in the comments below!

If you enjoyed this post, then you might also like:

• 6 Malcolm Gladwell Books That Will Change the Way You Think
• How to Set Boundaries: Healthy Lines to Draw at Work and at Home
• When and How to Say No: Personal and Professional Tips for Getting What You Really Want
• How to Be Brave: 6 Tips for Embracing Fear and Living the Life of Your Dreams