Communication is what allows us to connect with others on a personal level. But talking is just part of the equation: in order to strengthen our relationships, we need to master the equally important art of listening.
Of the two, listening is actually the more difficult skill to develop. You may consider yourself a good listener—but are you really?
For example, do you do any of the following in conversations?
- Frequently interrupt the person speaking
- Formulate your response while the other person is speaking
- Get muddled about what the other person is talking about
- Nod absently but have no clue what the other person is saying
- Check your phone constantly
- Wish the other person would stop talking so you can have a turn
If you do any of the above, don’t beat yourself up about it. Everybody is prone to doing one or more of these things, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person—it just means you have room to improve your listening skills.
How to Be a Better Listener
It’s important to keep in mind that becoming a better listener doesn’t happen overnight. It also doesn’t happen just because you commit yourself to doing better. Instead, you need to learn certain skills that will help you pay more attention to the speaker.
1. Practice paying attention.
The habit of paying attention is one of the most powerful skills in the world. Imagine reading or listening to something only once, and then being able to remember everything!
The good news is, this is a habit that anyone can build, no matter your age.
According to British educator Charlotte Mason, we form the habit of attention when we know we can only read or hear something once. If we’re used to re-reading paragraphs because we just “don’t get it,” we form the habit of not paying attention the first time.
The same is true when it comes to conversations. If we’re used to just asking a person to repeat what they say, we’re not incentivized to pay attention. This is a big no-no for becoming a better listener.
So how do you practice this? First, choose whether you want to practice this skill with reading or listening. Whichever you choose, tell yourself that you will only read or listen to the topic once, and then force yourself to practice narrating back what you read or heard.
Do this every few pages. At first you may find yourself remembering less than you think, but keep at it consistently, and you will definitely see improvement.
Another way of practicing your attention to detail is to look at a painting for 2–3 minutes, then turn away and try to remember as many details as you can.
2. Memorize non-judgmental replies.
You might think that being a good listener involves giving good advice or stating your judgment on a given matter. But the truth is, listening well does not always mean offering a response to every statement; sometimes the other person just needs you to be there for them.
In order to keep the focus on the speaker, try using these non-judgmental replies:
- That’s interesting.
- Oh, my, I’m sorry to hear that.
- That must be hard.
- I can see you’re having trouble.
- Ouch.
- I understand.
3. Practice appreciation.
Another trait of a good listener is being able to appreciate even the small things. However, it can be difficult to think of something to appreciate in a person right when they’re venting or complaining.
To practice this skill, each day, think of three things to appreciate about the people you met or talked with that day. Say it out loud or write it down in a journal, but be consistent so you can develop the habit of appreciating others.
How to Listen Better in an Actual Conversation
Here are some tips to help you become a better listener in an actual conversation with another person:
1. Put your phone away.
Nothing tells another person you’re not listening more than constantly checking your phone. Even if you believe you can multitask and still listen while you’re checking messages, it sends signals to the speaker that you’re not really interested. This will cause them to speak less, making it harder to form a connection.
Instead, keep your phone on silent mode and put it away in your bag or in your pocket. Don’t leave it out on the coffee table where you’ll be tempted to fidget with it. If you don’t have a pocket or bag, put it face-down in front of you.
2. Use body language to communicate your interest.
When you talk with someone, it’s not just about the words. Your body language should also signal that you’re listening carefully.
Some examples include:
- Leaning forward
- Holding eye contact
- Nodding your head every so often
Also, stay away from body language that signals disinterest or animosity:
- Tapping feet or fingers
- Crossing arms over the chest
- Eyes wandering all over the place
3. Listen more than you speak.
As the speaker tells you details of events or their thoughts and feelings, resist the urge to give your own opinion. Most people want to talk simply to vent their feelings or to process things verbally; they may not always want to hear your advice.
Instead, you can use the non-judgmental phrases you memorized earlier, or try the next few tips.
4. Ask questions.
As a good listener, your goal is to understand the other person, not push your agenda. One way you can encourage the other person to talk more is to ask questions.
You might ask questions to clarify things that are unclear to you, or to help the other person clarify their own thoughts and feelings.
5. Paraphrase or summarize what you hear.
This is where you will apply what you practiced at home: because you practiced paying attention to stories that you read or listened to, now is the time to apply it in actual conversation.
At any pause in the conversation, instead of taking over and talking about your own thoughts, paraphrase what you heard the other person say.
For example:
Jane: I’m super frazzled today! The children all woke up late, so I had to rush to get them all ready for school. And then Tony left his lunch on the kitchen counter! Can you believe a seventh grader would still do that? They’re so irresponsible!
You: It sounds like you had a very harried morning.
Jane: I sure did! And to top it all off, I got an e-mail from my boss telling me our deadline for the big project was moved two weeks earlier! I don’t know how I’m going to make it, staying late at the office and everything! I should just leave my job!
You: Wow, it must be hard to have a deadline moved up sooner.
If you are practicing becoming a better listener for a talk or seminar, you can do this by taking notes as you listen.
6. Wait until the other person is done before you speak.
As you listen, force yourself to stay quiet until the other person either stops talking or asks you a question. If you’ve developed the habit of interrupting others (perhaps even unconsciously), now is the time to undo that habit.
Instead of taking the conversation away, force yourself to keep the focus on the other person by using the non-judgmental lines or paraphrasing back what they said.
For more practice, check out the video below. Julian Treasure shares 5 quick exercises you can try to enhance your listening skills.
Becoming a Better Listener
As you practice these skills to become a better listener, people will start to see that they can be themselves with you and even learn to trust you. As a result, you’ll also become a better friend, colleague, boss, or employee.
And if you commit yourself to becoming better overall, you will also grow throughout the years to be the best person you can be!
Did you find this post helpful? Let us know in the comments below!
If you enjoyed this post, then you might also like:
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Yen Cabag is the Blog Writer of TCK Publishing. She is also a homeschooling mom, family coach, and speaker for the Charlotte Mason method, an educational philosophy that places great emphasis on classic literature and the masterpieces in art and music. She has also written several books, both fiction and nonfiction. Her passion is to see the next generation of children become lovers of reading and learning in the midst of short attention spans.
