The pain of rejection can make you feel like throwing in the towel and giving up, whether your search for love, a new job, or just some quality time with a certain person.
So how do some people seem to “take it all in stride” so easily? Do they have some kind of superpower the rest of us mere mortals lack?
It’s not easy, and you may not feel like it’s possible now, but with a little practice you can learn to view rejection as a learning experience that will help you grow and find even better opportunities.
Why Rejection Hurts
If you’ve ever felt the “sting” of rejection, you should know that the pain you feel is actually real. A University of Michigan study used scans to show that rejection activates the same parts of your brain that physical pain does.
This means that the pain we feel as a result of rejection most likely has an evolutionary advantage. Back when we lived in tribes, rejection was a threat to our survival, since it usually meant being cast out of the group, and chances of surviving outside the tribe back then were slim to nothing.
Therefore, the fear and pain of rejection actually saved our butts. We adapted our behaviors to avoid being ostracized and expelled from the group.
This all goes to show that the pain of rejection is real (so you shouldn’t feel like a wuss for getting your feelings hurt), but also has a purpose (to help you learn a lesson, adjust your sails, and move on).
Unfortunately, we don’t just experience the pain of rejection at being cast out from our tribes anymore—we feel its sting when we’re turned down for a date, passed over for a job, or our messages are left on “read” for weeks.
Still, regardless of the cause, there are lessons we can learn from the sting of rejection that will help us move forward, rather than getting stuck in the shadows.
How to Deal with Rejection
Follow these 6 steps to turn what may feel like bad news into positive growth.
1. Accept the situation.
This first step might be the hardest, but it’s necessary to start coping with rejection in a healthy way. Accept the situation for what it is. You might find yourself thinking, “This shouldn’t have happened” or imagining all the things you could have done differently to prevent the rejection.
It’s hard to believe now, and it may be a cliché, but this rejection really will lead you to where you were meant to be.
2. Give yourself time to process your feelings.
Having just explored the science behind why rejection hurts almost as much as physical pain, you should take a breather to acknowledge that hurt and process your feelings. Give yourself permission to be sad and work through your emotions. Things like journaling or talking to a trusted friend can really help.
Yes, you’ll eventually have to “get back up” and brush yourself off, but taking some time to reflect on the situation (and even do a little wallowing) can actually do some good.
For one, you need time to process those feelings so you don’t just brush everything under the rug, only for those feelings to come bubbling up in unhealthy ways later.
Second, taking that time to process will hopefully lead you to some insights that will guide your next and future steps.
3. Examine your role in the rejection.
Many times, like when you’ve been turned down for a date, the reason for your rejection was beyond your control. It’s in these cases that we know we shouldn’t take it personally, but of course, that’s usually easier said than done.
However, if you notice that you’re no longer getting invited to office happy hours, or if a family member seems to be avoiding you lately, think back on your last interactions with that person or group of people. (This can also apply if you weren’t chosen for a job, your manuscript was rejected by a publisher, etc.)
Do your best to recall the interaction as accurately as you can. Try to replay what you said or did, and how the other party reacted. Is there anything you could do differently next time?
This still doesn’t mean that the rejection was your fault, or that the other party had zero responsibility. In some cases, the other person might just not be interested (their loss!), or the publisher might not be looking for your genre at the moment.
The point of this exercise is simply to make you pause and reflect on whether or not you could have done something differently. Maybe you couldn’t, and that’s ok. Or maybe you could, but at least you’ll know better in the future.
4. Stop the spiral of shame.
So, let’s say you did some reflecting and realized there were some things you should have done differently.
It’s easy get caught up in negative self-talk. You might catch yourself thinking things like, “I’m such an idiot!” or “No one will ever like me again!”
But statements like these are harmful, unnecessary, and most likely not true at all anyway. Plus, if you think like this, you’ll end up throwing a self-pity party for one, and by focusing on statements of who you are, you won’t be able to focus on what you can actually do to change the situation.
If these thoughts arise, try to focus on your actions, because those can be changed, and most likely the problem is
5. Surround yourself with love.
If you’ve just been hit with a rejection—no matter the kind or who was at fault—it always helps to spend some time with loved ones.
Call up a friend or relative, or meet them for a cup of coffee. If you feel up to it, tell them about what happened. They might be able to provide helpful insight and help you to see things more clearly, especially if you’re beating yourself up.
If you can’t meet up with anyone, focus on you. Invest some time in self-care by taking a bubble bath, meditating, or just doing the things you love.
6. Make a list of your best qualities.
The point of this exercise is not to needlessly pump up your ego and make you arrogant, but to help you recover more quickly and allow you to recognize the strengths that you do bring to the table.
Don’t let your inner critic get the best of you and keep you paralyzed with fear or depression so that you never try for future opportunities again.
Remind yourself of all your best qualities, and remember that someone—whether it’s an employer or a romantic interest—will be looking for exactly what you have.
7. Make it a learning experience, and move on.
Finally, the most important part of dealing with rejection is making the situation a learning experience. Regardless of the reason for the rejection, there’s almost always something to be learned.
Maybe you’ll dress more professionally to your next job interview. Or maybe you’ll learn that you weren’t someone’s cup of tea, but that’s ok, because you’ll be available when the right person who appreciates all your great qualities comes along (and they will!).
Keep Your Confidence
Rejection sucks—there’s no doubt about that. But you should never let it define you. Work on building your confidence and self-awareness so that when rejections do happen, you can view them as learning experiences and move on.
For more tips that will help you reach your goals, check out our post on overhauling your mindset for success.
Did you find this post helpful? Let us know in the comments below!
If you enjoyed this post, then you might also like:
- How to Make Friends: 11 Tips for Building Close Connections as an Adult
- Why Novels Get Rejected: Acquisitions Editors Share What They Look for in Manuscript Submissions
- How to Start a Conversation with Anyone: 7 Tips for Breaking the Ice
- 10 Books About Anxiety That Will Help You Reclaim Your Life
As a blog writer for TCK Publishing, Kaelyn loves crafting fun and helpful content for writers, readers, and creative minds alike. She has a degree in International Affairs with a minor in Italian Studies, but her true passion has always been writing. Working remotely allows her to do even more of the things she loves, like traveling, cooking, and spending time with her family.
This was so very helpful. I just got rejected from a romantic interest and it’s been hard to cope. But at least I know and know I can learn from this experience and better myself. Thank you.
We’re so happy you found the post helpful, Genesis! I’m sorry you had to go through the pain of rejection, but there are always lessons and experience to be gained :) keep your head up!
Very inspiring. I have taken out so much from this. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Am a young author, and am in the process of quering. What a timely word in season. Like you said rejection is indeed redirection, it just means I have knocked on the wrong door, but my steps are being directed elsewhere. Hopefully I can re-examine my myself and my work to make it the best I can for the next pitch.
Thank you.
Thanks for your comment, Jacqueline! You are certainly not alone. Don’t give up! Adjust your sails and keep trying :)
It is so ‘nice’ to know that you are not alone. Just imagine if you have had a work accepted and now the publishers want you to be the next J K Rowling. How frightful to have to condemn yourself to a life of utter mange! And just what would you do with all that fame and money? Surely getting rejected is a smart lesson, a lesson to tell you to re-adjust- take a fresh look at your future. I have written three novels. The fist two are total rubbish, thank goodness I never submitted them. The third is on Amazon and it has had no takers- yet. It’s not FREE. I am finishing the sequel to add it together. Who cares? Did James Joyce give a sxxt what people thought about him. You have to write, like you have to breathe. So carry on regardless. I do so hope I can finish what I have started. At 82 time is limited. So take cheer. You are not alone. All the best. G. D. Priest.
Hi G.D., thanks for your comment and for sharing your insights! I definitely believe rejection is an opportunity to reevaluate and adjust your sails, but shouldn’t be a sign to give up.
Thanks Julia, I’m so glad you found the post helpful! :)
Kaelyn, I have had many rejections over the last six or so years since I started writing. I sent out a memoir and it was accepted but the publishing company was looking for a large amount of money so I declined. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve sent the first …….. chapters off to different publishers. Thinking of going the Amazon way. I read somewhere that ‘unless you were Ossie Osborne’ you wouldnt have a chance of publishing a memoir. My son had 4 copies printed for me for Christmas, for myself and my children. To say I was delighted was an understatement. Thanks for all your tips. Kind regards.
Thank you for sharing your story, Josephine! When it comes to publishing, rejection is something that authors are all too familiar with, but you shouldn’t let it keep you down. Self-publishing, while not easy, has helped so many authors succeed. We have quite a few posts on it, but I would start with this one to better understand how self-publishing is different from the traditional route, then we also have this step-by-step checklist. If you have any questions or there are more resources I can send you, please don’t hesitate to ask! Best of luck to you :)
About four years ago, I had a sweet deal with a Canadian magazine that gave me another article assignment as soon as I turned one in. I was on Cloud Nine, unstoppable. Then a new editor came on board and soon announced that he didn’t want any more articles from me. He gave no reason and I was stunned. It took all the wind out of my sails and I haven’t pitched another article anywhere since. I allowed the rejection to paralyze me. In the meantime, I’ve built a stack of spiral notebooks full of research notes, outlines, rough drafts, and editor contact info. Of course, the pandemic hasn’t helped,
causing most of my target markets to close down til the economy rebounded. I’m just now beginning to feel I can dust off an almost finished work and dare to pitch it to an editor. This has been a horrible dry spell, but I NEED TO WRITE!! I should have gotten help with the problem, but I live in a rural area. I’m angry with myself because I’m a good writer and have let myself wallow for the past four years, losing much-needed side hustle income, confidence, and self-esteem.
Hi Diane, thank you for sharing! I can definitely relate. reject can be so discouraging! The important thing is to understand that the new editor’s taste (or lack thereof ;) probably had nothing to do with you and your skills. After all, you got another offer right away the first time! I know it can be hard, but you should definitely take that first step and start getting your work out there. It sounds like you’ve had time to prepare, so don’t overthink it. I’m sure you’ll be getting new offers in no time!
The experience of being rejected (in any field – job rejection, college rejection, etc.) has hurt me so badly that I am now very vulnerable and afraid to start anything new. I didn’t realize for a long time the reason why I lost confidence. But now I am working on it with a specialist.
It’s really important to be able to deal with rejection and never be sad about it. Rejection is not admitting you are useless or not needed. It took me a long time to accept that.
Thank you, this is a very needed informative article!
Hi Allison, thank you for sharing your story. Rejection impacts so many people negatively but not many talk about it. I’m so glad that you found the article helpful and that you’re making progress with acceptance :)
I have been working on a piece now for the good part of a year– well beyond the point of no return, the time to give up.
It’s encouraging when people tell me that they enjoy the pain, irony, description and unique subtlety in my work; it’s always easy to be patted on the back.
But when they tell me (especially after complimenting it) that the sentences are too long, it’s confusing, there’s not enough dialogue, then I have only faith in myself to continue, albeit I’m mindful of their words.
Younger, I used to think every word that I spun was golden. But as I age accomplished, and especially now in the hardest place in life that I’ve ever been– when the good old days are gone– I must push myself to continue with my conceivable means to happiness, though everyone else tells me to quit.
Hi Michael, thank you for your comment! You definitely should not give up. Remind yourself every day of why you started this project, and what you wish to accomplish with it. (And here’s a secret—lots of writers work on a project for well over a year, so you’re absolutely not alone!) Take the advice of others into consideration, but don’t let unhelpful criticism or negativity get you down. Best of luck! :)